I am sure you thought I dropped off the face of the earth. I guess in a way I did ha ha. Oh well, won't promise anything this time but I had a few things on my mind this morning as I was ripping apart a poor shirt. One was the shirt, another was how lucky I am thanks to God Almighty, and yet another was my mama.
We will start with my mama...as I was sitting here, demolishing the shirt, I was feeling kinda sorry for myself. Why? Well, I wanted someone fun to go shopping with me (because I decided I am NOT going to do the normal Christmas shopping this year, its all going to come from flea market/antique stores...I will tell ya later why) ANYWAY one of the best people to go shopping with me in places like that would be my mama. UNFORTUNATELY she lives too dang far away...along with someone else who shall remain nameless TIF who would be my other best shopping buddy. So I got to thinking and talking to God about my mama. We have not had, nor will we ever have the best mother daughter relationship but that doesn't take away my need for her. I had a question pop into my mind, goes something like this; why is it, when you become a mama you always want your own mama? Well here is why, or at least what I came up with...you never grow out of that "look ma, no hands" stage. You always want the approval of your mom...no matter what. Even if you know what you are doing is totally NOT how she would have done it, you still want her approval. Made me think of how lucky my sis in laws are to have Harriet here, and how for all the ones that have lost their mamas, how they must feel. Then you have the group of people like me...mama lives in a far off land. We are lucky to have our mamas still but too far away to enjoy them like we want. trying to just talk on the phone and send pictures sometimes doesn't cut it. I had my mom here the week after Willow was born and she absolutely fell head over heals in love with Jeremiah AGAIN. I kind of think she was more sad to leave him than me lol. Just seeing how much she loved him made me want her here ALL the time. Plus she was a BIG help. Not one to ask for help and she knows that so she just does it and won't take no for an answer. So seeing her here made me want her here, we established this point already i know, BUT it got me to talking to God. I don't have a clue how she would manage here, job wise, work wise, me wise, but I still selfishly want her here. My question/prayer for God is...WHY? What can come of it? Will it ever happen? If it does, will we be ok? I also want her to take care of herself..selfishly. I say selfishly because she is such a pretty woman inside and out but has given up. I know what you look like on the outside is not what matters and that you are not supposed to judge..that's not what I am wanting to do either. I am wanting her to feel good about herself and be happy (because she is NOT that way now and she used to be). I guess in a way I am wanting my mama so I can mama her....? AND she can mama me? huh? what? I don't know. all I know is i miss her and it all came about because I wanted to go Christmas shopping in silly places, and that I had enough down time to enjoy my coffee and rip a shirt apart all the while thinking. God works in funny ways ...guess He needed a good laugh this morning to see how my mind was going in a million different directions.
With that said, hope it was not too hard to follow, gotta get my little guy up (he has been talking for awhile now in his crib...poor guy, so neglected.) take care, enjoy your mamas and I will tell you about my other musings later.
Bye all
